Who would volunteer for Britain's Brightest Family?

ROCKET

Shipwrecked (E4, Mon) has run aground again, and this time it’s been holed below the waterline. We know this is for younger viewers, but even your flakiest millennial would struggle not to cringe at the quality of this sub-Love Island. Is it a bad dating show, or a bad survival programme, because at the moment it falls between coconut trees. And the whole class war nonsense between the Wythneshawe girl and the posh princess from Chelsea was straight from the Jeremy Corbyn songbook, but not very Channel 4. But given how these shows are edited, they will gushingly make up, hug it out, then share a restorative coconut milk.  

What family in their right mind would volunteer for a show called Britain’s Brightest Family (ITV, Wed)? The Lees, and the Clements thankfully did, and were well-up for potentially the most excruciating 30 minutes of their lives to further our amusement. While the show had all the atmosphere of a will reading, it was nonetheless entertaining. 

Chairing this televised 11-plus was The Chase’s Anne Hegerty who is receiving her recognition and reward from ITV for suffering the rigours of rice and beans in I’m A Celebrity for a fee significantly less than Noel Edmonds’. We did wonder why she had bothered. 

She was actually very good flying solo without Bradley Walsh chittering away in the background. “I’m the Governess Anne Hegerty and the pleasure is all yours!” Boom, boom! It’s tempting to call her the Queen of Mean but we all know who would win in a Harry Hill-style “fight” between Anne and the last holder of the title, Anne Robinson. She may be tough but she occasionally has a lightness of touch — and she’s quick too. When one of the children was asked what he would spend the winning £25,000 in cash on, he replied: “On a trip to Australia!” Hegerty quipped: “You can get there cheaper than that!” Too true. You get ITV to pay for it.

But where was its annoying catchphrase? Every gameshow needs one. In this case, it needed work. As each contestant returned from the podium where they had answered specialist questions, Anne would offer: “Head back to your families…” But only if you got it right…

The families were certainly combative, not least when the two children squared up to each other at the podium over the memory round. It was posh v less so. There can’t have been a grown-up viewer who didn’t immediately feel for these two boys when they were faced with a row of 20 road signs and then asked to regurgitate them in left-to-right order. Yes, headmistress. Gulp!

I have no scientific proof of this, but I do believe that the Clements’ clan were the poshest family to have ever appeared on an ITV gameshow. Mum and dad, from the Home Counties, were a chartered accountant and solicitor respectively, while their son, James, sported an accent that only good money can buy. The most fascinating round for me was the “backwards timetable” which, if you’re a commuter, is how we believe all rail companies read them anyway. 

Britain’s Brightest Family could be a sleeper hit, or just put viewers to sleep. You can never tell. The audience, at times, reacted like they’d been given free Temazepan on arrival. It’s certainly one for parents to put children in front of to see whether they’re showing any signs of life after 16 hours of gaming every day.      

One of the most curious shows of the week was The Stand-Up Sketch Show (ITV2, Mon). Was this conceived over a drunken lunch by TV commissioning editors? If so, I hope it was a good hangover. I just didn’t get it. Not only did I recognise just one of the stand-ups — I need to get out more — but also the idea in which the stories in their routines were acted before our weary eyes was "extra" as young people say. Why? We have an imagination. The only upside was that we got to hear Seann Walsh talk about a “girlfriend” and have a bit of a giggle at his expense. Not much of a one, but then again the level of entertainment offering was equivalent to watching a real-effect gas fire in your living room. Most of the routine from the Strictly bad boy centred on the apparent fuss we make over the desert menu, and why a cheese board is even included in that. That’s as funny as eating stilton beyond its eat-by date.  

Bonkers idea now, ITV: Why not just do a show with young stand-ups rather than do some cheesy filming with bad actors doing it? Include a top MC and you’re done — “It’s Monday Mike Night on ITV2”. There’s no charge for that, ITV.        

My first thought on watching refugee drama Safe Harbour (BBC4, last night) was, ‘why even go there, Australia?’ Starring Ewen Leslie, fresh from his triumph in The Cry, it tells the story of several well-heeled Queenslanders who are taking a yachting holiday in the East Timor Sea when they come across a refugee boat, becalmed after an engine fire. The next thing you know is that Aussies are taking a vote (!!!) on whether to tow it to a port. Then hours later, the tow rope is cut, or let go by forces unknown. Of course, it’s a “what if” drama. Ewen Leslie again plays a morally ambiguous character with great skill, and realism. If nothing else, it’s intriguing.

Finally BBC have decided that we don't know enough about Brexit, so commissioned Inside Europe (BBC2, Mon). We were treated to countless shots of fascinating black limos arriving in Brussels with mostly old footage, combined with new talking heads.  It lacked a contemporary feel which is more akin to “Oh brother…” Choose your own word to replace “brother”. I was impressed by David Cameron’s optimism however when he met with Czech politician who reported what our former prime minister had told him about his referendum chances: “I”m a lucky man; I can win.” Oh, no you can’t.
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