Who would volunteer for Britain's Brightest Family?

ROCKET

Shipwrecked (E4, Mon) has run aground again, and this time it’s been holed below the waterline. We know this is for younger viewers, but even your flakiest millennial would struggle not to cringe at the quality of this sub-Love Island. Is it a bad dating show, or a bad survival programme, because at the moment it falls between coconut trees. And the whole class war nonsense between the Wythneshawe girl and the posh princess from Chelsea was straight from the Jeremy Corbyn songbook, but not very Channel 4. But given how these shows are edited, they will gushingly make up, hug it out, then share a restorative coconut milk.  

What family in their right mind would volunteer for a show called Britain’s Brightest Family (ITV, Wed)? The Lees, and the Clements thankfully did, and were well-up for potentially the most excruciating 30 minutes of their lives to further our amusement. While the show had all the atmosphere of a will reading, it was nonetheless entertaining. 

Chairing this televised 11-plus was The Chase’s Anne Hegerty who is receiving her recognition and reward from ITV for suffering the rigours of rice and beans in I’m A Celebrity for a fee significantly less than Noel Edmonds’. We did wonder why she had bothered. 

She was actually very good flying solo without Bradley Walsh chittering away in the background. “I’m the Governess Anne Hegerty and the pleasure is all yours!” Boom, boom! It’s tempting to call her the Queen of Mean but we all know who would win in a Harry Hill-style “fight” between Anne and the last holder of the title, Anne Robinson. She may be tough but she occasionally has a lightness of touch — and she’s quick too. When one of the children was asked what he would spend the winning £25,000 in cash on, he replied: “On a trip to Australia!” Hegerty quipped: “You can get there cheaper than that!” Too true. You get ITV to pay for it.

But where was its annoying catchphrase? Every gameshow needs one. In this case, it needed work. As each contestant returned from the podium where they had answered specialist questions, Anne would offer: “Head back to your families…” But only if you got it right…

The families were certainly combative, not least when the two children squared up to each other at the podium over the memory round. It was posh v less so. There can’t have been a grown-up viewer who didn’t immediately feel for these two boys when they were faced with a row of 20 road signs and then asked to regurgitate them in left-to-right order. Yes, headmistress. Gulp!

I have no scientific proof of this, but I do believe that the Clements’ clan were the poshest family to have ever appeared on an ITV gameshow. Mum and dad, from the Home Counties, were a chartered accountant and solicitor respectively, while their son, James, sported an accent that only good money can buy. The most fascinating round for me was the “backwards timetable” which, if you’re a commuter, is how we believe all rail companies read them anyway. 

Britain’s Brightest Family could be a sleeper hit, or just put viewers to sleep. You can never tell. The audience, at times, reacted like they’d been given free Temazepan on arrival. It’s certainly one for parents to put children in front of to see whether they’re showing any signs of life after 16 hours of gaming every day.      

One of the most curious shows of the week was The Stand-Up Sketch Show (ITV2, Mon). Was this conceived over a drunken lunch by TV commissioning editors? If so, I hope it was a good hangover. I just didn’t get it. Not only did I recognise just one of the stand-ups — I need to get out more — but also the idea in which the stories in their routines were acted before our weary eyes was "extra" as young people say. Why? We have an imagination. The only upside was that we got to hear Seann Walsh talk about a “girlfriend” and have a bit of a giggle at his expense. Not much of a one, but then again the level of entertainment offering was equivalent to watching a real-effect gas fire in your living room. Most of the routine from the Strictly bad boy centred on the apparent fuss we make over the desert menu, and why a cheese board is even included in that. That’s as funny as eating stilton beyond its eat-by date.  

Bonkers idea now, ITV: Why not just do a show with young stand-ups rather than do some cheesy filming with bad actors doing it? Include a top MC and you’re done — “It’s Monday Mike Night on ITV2”. There’s no charge for that, ITV.        

My first thought on watching refugee drama Safe Harbour (BBC4, last night) was, ‘why even go there, Australia?’ Starring Ewen Leslie, fresh from his triumph in The Cry, it tells the story of several well-heeled Queenslanders who are taking a yachting holiday in the East Timor Sea when they come across a refugee boat, becalmed after an engine fire. The next thing you know is that Aussies are taking a vote (!!!) on whether to tow it to a port. Then hours later, the tow rope is cut, or let go by forces unknown. Of course, it’s a “what if” drama. Ewen Leslie again plays a morally ambiguous character with great skill, and realism. If nothing else, it’s intriguing.

Finally BBC have decided that we don't know enough about Brexit, so commissioned Inside Europe (BBC2, Mon). We were treated to countless shots of fascinating black limos arriving in Brussels with mostly old footage, combined with new talking heads.  It lacked a contemporary feel which is more akin to “Oh brother…” Choose your own word to replace “brother”. I was impressed by David Cameron’s optimism however when he met with Czech politician who reported what our former prime minister had told him about his referendum chances: “I”m a lucky man; I can win.” Oh, no you can’t.
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Celebrating 60 years of Ronnie Scotts

 Ronnie Scott’s, the legendary club, from the world of jazz, is turning 60. The noted Soho establishment is celebrating its bus pass by announcing its own “definitive” list of the 60 greatest jazz albums – and you don’t need to be a jazz aficionado to recognise many of the titles.

It includes such well-known names as Courtney Pine, Dave Brubeck, Ella Fitzgerald, someone called Frank Sinatra, Sarah Vaughan, George Benson and Gregory Porter.    

It is a something-for-everyone accessible playlist, a word which of course is now synonymous with internet music site, Spotify, where you will find a singles list drawn from the same collection.

The albums were compiled by an impressive list of luminaries from the world of music, including musicians Georgie Fame, Courtney Pine and Pee Wee Ellis, together with broadcasters Jez Nelson (Jazz FM) and Robert Elms.

“With such an incredible array of artists to choose from,” Ronnie Scott’s MD Simon Cooke told me at last week’s glitzy launch, “selecting the most significant jazz albums of the last 60 years was never going to be straightforward.” 

“Our 40 aficionados nominated over 800 albums which have been whittled down to a definitive list that not only reflects the jazz of the past 60 years, but looks to the future too; just as we do at Ronnie Scott’s.”

Cooke has been at Ronnie’s since 2008. “Lot of people don’t know that Ronnie and Pete [King, the then joint owner] were actually invited to open a club in Belgravia by the Kray Twins before they moved to this address. They managed to put them off. They were brave men in those days.”

Established in 1959 by saxophonists Ronnie Scott and Pete King, the club opened its doors in a small basement at 39 Gerrard Street in London’s West End. It was the place where local musicians could jam, and showcased the best of British jazz talent as well as introducing many top American and international jazz artists to British jazz fans later on.

Scott’s inspiration was a trip to New York in 1947 to see the jazz scene. On one memorable night Ronnie heard Charlie Parker play with Miles Davis at the Three Deuces. Playing next door was the Dizzy Gillespie Big Band and, late into the night, Davis also played with Gillespie. Scott vowed to set up his own club in London.

In the summer of 1965, the club moved to its current home at 47 Frith Street and there it remains to this day. 

Since the early days of Sarah Vaughan, Count Basie and Miles Davis, the club has continued to present the biggest names in jazz as well as supporting and presenting hotly-tipped rising stars.  

In the early days of the club, Scott the saxophonist infused the club with a nice line in self-deprecation. 

He was famous for taking to the stage with gems like this: “You should have been at the club last Monday — somebody should have been here last Monday. We had the bouncers chucking them in.”

One jazz fan rang to the club, so the story goes, to ask what time the show started: “What time can you get here..!” came the reply.

He even joked about the old kitchens in the club: “A thousand flies can’t be wrong!”

Scott was the son of a Jewish refugee band leader, while his business partner Pete King was the son of a London bus driver. 

In Scott’s memoir he was surprised the establishment had lasted so long. “When Pete and I look back at 20 years of trial and error, of guesswork and gambling, bluff and blunder and all shades of luck, from appalling to lousy, we can only wonder at how we ever had the cheek and temerity to plunge headlong into what has been described as a sure-fire recipe for financial disaster and mental breakdown.”

But of course it became the place to be seen for the London nightlife set. Back in the Sixtes, Princess Margaret used to drop by with actor Peter Sellers, while Sonny Rollins asked to be locked in overnight so he could finish writing the score to the film, Alfie. And all the great names graced the stage there, too, including Benny Goodman, Miles Davis and Ella Fitzgerald. It would also host Tom Waits, Elkie Brooks and Mark Knopfler.

Ronnie Scott died in 1996, aged 69, from a mixture of painkillers and alcohol, but left an unrivalled legacy.

Impressario Sally Greene, who also owns The Old Vic, bought Ronnie’s in 2005 for £3m. She also spent £2.38m on a refurbishment. “I used to go to Ronnie’s Scott’s with my father,” she said, so it seemed like destiny that one day she would own it.

But looking back it was Scott’s personality that drove the success of the club, believes Cooke.

“They had a love for jazz, and jazz musicians. The whole spirit of the place was based on that fantastic passion they had for the place. It wasn’t an easy ride, they went broke a couple of times, at least.

“And of course, all the celebrities then piled in…Princess Margaret, Spike Milligan, The Beatles had birthday parties down here, and it became the place to be. It seemed that in a non-digital world it was able to spread itself across the globe. And it became this famous thing.

“And it still attracts big names. Prince Edward was in the building last week for some reason. Rob Brydon was here a few weeks ago, and sang the Welsh national anthem. We threw him out! Johnny Depp and Jeff Beck did a late night blues session recently. It just keeps rolling. It has a life of its own.”       

And may it roll on for another 60 years. https://www.amazon.co.uk/shop/thetellyrocket

Bundy mania arrives on UKTV

UK broadcasters are cashing in on Ted Bundy mania, too, with a sensationalised new four-part documentary. 

Really on UKTV is inviting viewers to “binge watch” what they’re describing as an “in-depth look” at the American killer in Ted Bundy: Serial Monster which again heightens the “romantic” side of the notorious criminal.

“Following the Netflix documentary and in anticipation of a film starring Zac Efron later on this year,” it tells viewers, “get inside the mind of one of America’s most notorious serial killers and join the conversation. The whole series will also be available to binge-watch on UKTV Play.” 

It adds: “You might think this is the plot of a horror film, but it’s all too real.”

The US documentary makers capitalise on Bundy’s apparent good looks, and “charm” to sell the show abroad.  

It’s these qualities that convinced movie producers in the US to cast former Disney heartthrob Zac Efron in an upcoming Hollywood feature film version.  

The makers of Ted Bundy: Serial Monster promise: “A handsome gentleman on the outside… a terrifying, depraved monster on the inside. A chameleon so deceptive that he charmed more than one hundred women to their cruel, unfortunate deaths. 

“From his beginnings as an innocent paperboy, to an admired high school athlete, to a budding attorney and rising politician, no one recognised him as the bloodiest mass murderer in US history.” 

The drama-documentary begins with a real recording of Ted Bundy’s voice before actors play out various gruesome scenes.

In one scene, Bundy, played by US TV regular Adam Long, walks into a darkened room with a crow bar, which he uses to beat his first victim around the head. 

Blood splatters the walls and bed sheets in a scene which doesn’t spare the viewer any gory detail.

In another scene, Bundy is seen rummaging in a victim’s underwear drawer.

In other scenes he’s filmed looking “troubled” and “tortured” as he walks through the woods.

Again documentary makers create an “attractive” Bundy who walks about in smart knitwear and who has an easy style around women.

The narrator declares: “It’s the summer of love, and for Ted, it’s the real thing.”

Later it describes one of his victims, Diana Edwards as “the woman of his dreams”.  

UK Premiere – Double-bill

Thursday 21 February, 10pm – Really TV

Fortitude season two launch 2017

Sky Atlantic's Fortitude is truly one of the wackiest shows I've ever seen on Sky. Horror, drama, and dark comedy it has it all. You can never pick up, together with some fine acting. Here's the season two Q&A, featuring Sofie Grobal