Planet Earth Live BBC1 TV REVIEW

LET ME introduce Sophia and Diablo. Who? They are Peruvian otters actually, which makes them sound far more exotic and interesting than they really are. They are also the “stars” of Planet Earth Live (BBC1, Wednesday), a new wildlife soap opera from the national broadcaster. Indeed, it’s a global soap with stars in several continents. In the masai mara in Africa we have moja, a starving lion cub, who enjoys biting down on a stick (compelling), the otters of Peru (parents Sophia and Diablo), and finally the black bears of North America: Juliet, Sybil, Sam, Sophie and Little Herbie. Sorry, have we just arrived at a ghastly birthday party in London’s well-to-do muswell Hill? Why aren’t any of these animals called Amy, Billie or Joey? that’s a list of “characters” from the Only Way is essex but you can see where we’re going. We haven’t even got to the meerkats yet who will be of course called Alexsandr, Olov and Sergei. Planet earth “Yesterday” just hasn’t worked. Why have we suddenly decided that every animal in the world needs a name, preferably a very middle class one, is young and innocent, is desperately under threat from a predator and will more than likely perish (we hope) within the time frame of this series. Presenter Richard Hammond, who is dreadfully miscast in this role and divides audiences, can barely disguise his breathless melodrama as he talks about lion cub moja and the way his mother is failing to provide for him. Ring Social Services! It’s a jungle out there, isn’t it, Richard? Hammond has cut a bewildered figure, mostly standing in the rain, in a large hat, in the dark, claiming that there are animals lurking nearby who might attack him at any time. Strangely enough, some members of the animal kingdom don’t go out of their way to seek attention. “Just before we came on air, I saw something out there,” said Hammond, with a straight face. It’s OK, Richard. Some of us are over the age of 12. The “truth” is that he hasn’t actually left the top Gear studio in Surrey. may and Clarkson have just turned off the lights and cued up the sound effects track. What about this for another Hammondism? “the [animal] reserve is relatively small, about the size of Glasgow.” Perfectly clear. Some of us were looking forward to this show but inevitably if the programme doesn’t live up to its title, viewers are bound to be disappointed and feel let down. These shows cost a fortune. millions. If it works, it’s money well spent. If not, it’s a very large train wreck crashing across several continents and we are paying for it. THE MAIN action involving the otters under threat from the nasty cayman in Peru had happened a full month earlier. So Planet Earth: A Long Long time Ago! Children will inevitably watch this show because it’s a pre-watershed slot but why the need to talk down to them like you’re reading a five-year-old a pop-up book? “Oooh, look at that nasty cayman sliding in...” they are animals! I notice the “evil” characters, the predators, were not named. they are no better than poachers. No name for the cayman or the hyena. might I suggest Voldemort and Hannibal respectively? Why not applaud the predator? the BBC is discriminating against the “fit” and supporting the victim. this is the animal kingdom not a sink estate in Peckham. We did finally get some “live” action from co- presenter Julia Bradbury. She picked over some wolf poo. Says it all, really. You can go off television shows. When The Voice (BBC1, Saturday and Sunday) arrived, it was a fresh, new format, unveiling striking new artists who would never have dared put themselves before Simon Cowell and The X Factor. They would arrive humbly on stage to discover the backs of their potential “coaches”, and had to encourage them to “turn the chair”. Then you had that awkward few moments after a coach faced them, and had to discover their names etc, before the singer decided on a mentor. It had tension, drama, awkwardness, everything. It was a success. Now the live shows have arrived and we have gravitated to yet another talent show. And the coaches? Well, they have not discovered the joys of self-editing yet. Will someone tell them that it’s “not about them” but the singers. Danny and Will.i.am could clear a room in minutes talking about how wonderful The Voice is for Britain, the talent, themselves, the world economy, the famine in Africa. You’re spoiling it. Sir Tom Jones, thankfully, knows when to shut up. For that, we are grateful to him and on that basis he is by far our favourite coach. When you read this Britain’s Got talent (ITV1, last night) will have another winner. These four judges, unlike their BBC counterparts, know exactly how much to say when most acts leave us speechless. David Walliams has been an out-and-out star this year mocking each and every act and Simon Cowell in equal measure. As for the others, Alesha Dixon should never have left Strictly Come Dancing and Amanda Holden should push for a second series of her axed comedy Big Top. WHAT OF the ringmaster? Cowell is the definition of a professional talent spotter. On again hearing The Loveable Rogues, the group who write their own catchy songs, he rubbed his hands and declared: “I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are on my show.” Next year he will call BGT “Britain’s Got Talent, And It’s All Mine”.

William & Kate: The First Year ITV TV REVIEW

HAS IT really been 12 months? Or merely a year? ITV said it was so it must be true. It's been a full year since that Middleton girl grabbed world headlines. As she walked down the aisle, millions of viewers were prompted to ask: “Who’s that bridesmaid?” One observer in William & Kate: The First Year (ITV1, Tuesday), even said: “It was breathtaking and a wonderful sight.” Yes, it was “Bottom- gate”, the real story behind the wedding of the year, and the most discussed derriere of the day, belonging to sister Pippa Middleton. Seeing the footage from 12 months ago made you realise just how much Kate had managed to hog the camera from her sister Pippa. shameful. This extraordinary fact was overlooked by ITV which insisted on discussing the first 12 months of the marriage of Kate and William, a little-known girl from the home counties and a helicopter rescue pilot. The film was hilariously shallow, not least because Royal documentaries, or random clips from the archive as this was, go out of their way to tell the audience that everyone in the Royal family, even someone who has just joined it, is just like us. sure they are. You could see the worry lines on Kate’s face: Wonga.com or Payday Loans? One observer said: “They understand; they care.” On the other hand, it’s all a “fairytale”. OK, make up your mind. Reality or fiction? We actually get the fiction because it’s better for us not to know how much Kate is spending in Waitrose in Anglesey, where the couple now live when they are not somewhere else. ITV did struggle, or didn’t try, to put together a credible film. the revelations came thick and fast. a photographer called Hugo, who took the main family portrait on the wedding day, revealed: “i had 28 minutes to take the photo.” Gosh, a whole half hour. Get on with it! That wasn’t all from plummy Hugo. He had a special, secret weapon to keep his “subjects” under control: “i felt that jelly beans were a suitable bribe.” shocking! i do hope that never gets out. it will be the Royal scandal of the decade. The most shocking revelation, however, came from an American “body expert” (she looks at bodies for a living). Her take on matters went thus: “those two are not afraid to touch each other.” this was getting interesting now. Where is ITV taking us? Next thing we were on a beach in Anglesey in “reconstruction” territory, with “Kate and Wills” standing there, and standing there. then holding hands. then nothing. it was an amazing script. We learned there is a serious side to Kate. “she’s an enormously powerful sales driver,” said one. What impertinence. Next thing, they will be suggesting a career in marketing for her. She was like Diana, too, who, we were told, “loved wearing clothes”. the best moment saw our favourite Royal, the Queen, who is nothing if not brutally honest. On a visit to an exhibition of Kate’s dress, she said: “it’s horrible!” Brilliant. Who wouldn’t love to overhear her and Philip watching the TV? The final word, however, must go to our “body expert”, who concluded: “they smile at each other. they look at each other. it’s cute.” it’s not, actually. You are just very weird. There is a weirdness about Dr Lucy Worsley who co-presented the enjoyable Antiques Uncovered (BBC2, Wednesday). For a start, she doesn’t sound like she’s from Reading. she also has a doctorate in a musty old subject but says things like “it’s a real whopper” to describe a beautiful and ornate stately home. isn’t that a term more commonly used to describe a certain hamburger? However, some of her insights, make you think a little: “there’s something inherently middle class about a fish knife.” To which you could say there’s something inherently working class about a fish wife. Her co-presenter is Mark Hill who is actually an “antiques expert”. Now there’s a rare sight on the TV. He looked a little like Gok Wan but with highlights. Hill was nonetheless very learned about many fine objects. Indeed, there was so much to learn in this show, you could have been forgiven for needing a good sit down at the end. Most comforting was to see so many fine tradespeople still using intricate skills to make many of these objects, including fine porcelain, chandeliers, and silver. It was also fascinating to learn that Spode, he of the bone china, went downmarket to develop, as Dr Worsley said, "porcelain for the people". WE ALSO learned that Chippendale compiled the first "Ikea-style furniture catalogue", which we shall all recall next time we can't put together a flat-pack cupboard. It was surprising to see that craftsman are still making pieces in the style of Chippendale. you would be hard-pressed to think there is room for another antiques format but this one comes highly recommended. There is now an American series of The Killing (C4, Thursday). This is the second offering of the Danish story and a pullover doesn’t feature at all. However, since it’s set in Seattle I expect there will be ample opportunity for umbrellas. The Killing is so moody it’s like a disagreeable teenager. The main character is Sarah who, along with her son Jack, are itinerants while she investigates a murder and uncovers corruption. Everyone in this very serious drama looks terribly worried about everything. Is it possible for a murder-mystery to be too miserable? even Miss Marple manages a wry smile at points. Danish drama, even when done by Americans, is making a killing but lighten up, please.